I Quit My Job for an Identity Crisis

These last two weeks have been…crazy. I mean, if you know me and mine, everything that’s happened recently is, well, us. In the last two weeks we discussed the possibility of expanding our rental market to short term rentals (think AirBNB, VRBO stuff), we toured a house, bought a house, and filled it with renters for the time being. We also decided that I would be quitting my job as a mental health therapist…I don’t know if you need to read that again, or if it’s just me because it still doesn’t seem real: I went to graduate school; worked hard for an awesome degree and knowledge that I passionately value; followed it up with training and 2.5 years of professional practice. I have amazing clients, amazing coworkers and colleagues, and the best supervision and management I could imagine. I get PTO and lunch breaks and a fridge for my Diet Coke (guilty pleasure). I worked my ass off to get here and I’m now am leaving to be a stay at home mom and grow the property management and real estate investment company my husband and I have built. I have all sorts of feelings that are super uncomfortable, and I think its super important to share them because I know I’m not alone. I know that I am struggling with the same thing that countless other amazingly strong women and men have struggled with. How do I own it? How can I unapologetically own and embrace this new role in life that allows me to be with my babies more days of the week than not, and gives me the flexibility to shop for groceries, get to doctors appointments, and clean the house. How can I begin to value my “side” gig as much as the one I set my eyes on for the last 10 years? I have no idea today. Maybe tomorrow or next week. That’s why I’m writing this now, on the day I submitted my letter of resignation, because I am confident that in a month or so I will find my confidence and forget how hard this is in this moment. Just because I know the confidence is coming, doesn’t resign me from the anxiety and instability that I am struggling with now.

I want to talk about privilege and stigma and judgment and guilt. All of it. All of them are hot topics. My husband and I recently made (a few) critical decisions that will change our world entirely. As of July, I will have the privilege of staying home to watch my babies grow into the amazing humans they are turning into. I love this and I struggle with it too. I love this because a freaking pandemic taught me how much I truly enjoy growing with my kids, something I never really ever had. It’s my biggest blessing through this whole world wide mess. I struggle because I feel shame and embarrassment (EMBARRASSMENT Y’ALL!) about quitting my job to stay home to be a mom (SAHM). And I’m embarrassed to say that out loud and even more in writing, and feel horribly guilty about that. I’m embarrassed, fearing judgment from others that my life must be this way or that, that I am privileged enough to “not work” and live an easy life (which I do and am very grateful for), or fears that I would be thought of as less of a person for being a SAHM. My heart knows that this is all wrong and that being a SAHM is the freaking hardest job IN THE WORLD, and even if it was true, it doesn’t really matter what society thinks of the way my family chooses to exist…And at the same time there is a voice (societal expectations and past experiences) in my head telling me I’m worth less, that I am not as valuable or respectable or respected or or or or. All of it.

And I’m sharing this because I know that I am not alone in this insecurity and this struggle that’s been put there by a skewed perception of strength and what it means to be a provider, a woman, and a parent. I also know that it’s a hard thing to admit (especially to the free world and interweb) so why not say for innumerable others what is so hard to express? I feel insecure for no good reason, and it makes me mad. I feel insecure that I have “given up” the one thing that I can “own” for myself: therapy, my degree, and my education. In a lot of reality, as a married mother of 2 who doesn’t even get to shower alone, those things are all that are mine and mine alone. All of this sounds silly to my brain that knows the value of what I am doing and can rationalize every move and decision to no end. But the back part of my brain that has all the feelings and emotional conceptions of reality is telling me that I am now a house wife, a stay at home mom, I am less than my uber successful and talented husband. That shouldn’t have the negative connotation that it does, it feels disrespectful to myself, my husband, my marriage, and my mission. It makes me angry that somewhere along the line that worthlessness has been instilled in me: these lies. I am fighting them and it makes me feel guilty that I feel this way and am judging myself for something that I so avidly support and value. How much does this all ring a bell with everything going on with the social injustice being battled throughout our nation and the world? Ugh. I can go in circles all day.

So anyway. I am choosing to do a reframe (I love the shrink in me). I am not “not working” I am “working for us.” I am working for my family; for our lifestyle and wellbeing; I am choosing a career that allows more flexibility and time with my children, and places less stress on my husband. I am choosing to expand my knowledge and skills; I am choosing to support my community in a way that I couldn’t dedicate myself to before. I’m going to have slow and cozy mornings with my kiddos and flip the sh*t out of these rental properties.

Phew! I’m going to buy myself a tool box. It’s going to be stacked.